Candid Club

We’ve all been there — sitting with a friend over wine, swapping stories about dating, and someone inevitably says it: “He makes me laugh.”

It’s like the universal stamp of approval, right? Forget abs or bank accounts, if he cracks you up, he’s a keeper.

But then I remembered a line from Ocean’s 11. Julia Roberts’ character, Tess, is talking to her ex-husband, played by George Clooney (swoon). Her new partner is Andy García — not quite as swoon-worthy as Clooney — and when Clooney’s character asks about him, Tess doesn’t hesitate. She simply says: “He doesn’t make me cry.”

That line hit me harder than all the “he makes me laugh” talk. Because yeah, laughter matters, but maybe not crying is the real test of a relationship that can last.

The fear of boring vs. the fear of pain

When someone makes you laugh, there’s spark. There’s energy. You feel pulled in — like the chemistry is proof that it’s real. We tie laughter to excitement, sometimes even passion, because it feels alive in a way you can’t fake.

But “he doesn’t make me cry”? That one sounds… boring, right? It’s safe, steady, predictable. Taylor Swift even wrote about this exact contrast in The Way I Loved You — missing the chaos, the rollercoaster, the screaming in the rain, because it felt more intense than “a nice, safe relationship.” It’s easy to see why we downplay safe as bland.

But the older I get, the more I realize this: what really shapes a relationship isn’t how much you laugh, it’s whether you’re safe from tears you didn’t sign up for. Not the tears life throws your way — those are unavoidable — but the ones caused by someone who was supposed to protect you.

So maybe the question isn’t, does he make you laugh? It’s, can I trust him not to be the reason I cry?

Why laughter gets all the attention

We love the idea that laughter is the ultimate sign of a good match. After all, joy is magnetic. Shared jokes, playful teasing, laughing until you can’t breathe — those are the moments we crave.

Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson calls positive emotions “upward spirals.” They expand your thinking, make you more creative, and help you recover from stress. In relationships, laughter helps smooth over tension and makes hard days lighter.

That’s why “he makes me laugh” has become such a gold standard. It signals friendship, comfort, and joy.

But laughter on its own isn’t enough. Someone can make you laugh and still make you cry — often in ways that linger longer than the jokes.

Why “not crying” matters more

Here’s where the psychology flips the script. Research shows that negative experiences weigh more heavily than positive ones. Kahneman and Tversky called this “loss aversion”: losses hurt more than equivalent gains feel good. One cruel comment can outweigh five compliments.

John Gottman’s research on couples found the same: stable relationships tend to keep a 5:1 ratio — five positive interactions for every negative one. That’s not because laughter isn’t powerful, but because pain cuts deeper.

That’s why Tess’s line lands with such clarity. She’s not saying Terry Benedict is boring or joyless. She’s saying she’s no longer crying over someone who was supposed to love her. And that kind of steadiness changes everything.

Emotional safety first

Attachment theory calls it a “secure base”: knowing you can count on someone. John Bowlby described it as predictability and reliability — the bedrock that allows you to explore, risk, and grow without fear.

In practice, “not crying” often looks like:

• Your boundaries being respected without debate.
• Disagreements that don’t spiral into cruelty.
• Apologies that are sincere and repairs that actually stick.
• A nervous system that can relax because it’s not constantly defending itself.

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How “not crying” and “laughing” work together

Here’s the key: laughter matters most once safety is already there. Positive moments build upward spirals, but only if the foundation is stable.

Think of it this way:

• No safety, lots of laughter → feels fun until it hurts.
• Safety, no laughter → feels steady but flat.
• Safety + laughter → feels alive, secure, and sustainable.

One without the other tips the balance. But if you have to choose a starting point, safety wins every time.

How to recognize “not crying”

It shows up in ordinary, unglamorous ways:

• You don’t walk on eggshells.
• Your tears come from life’s struggles, not their actions.
• Arguments don’t leave scars.
• You can show up tired, messy, or insecure and still feel wanted.

It doesn’t make for a cute dating-app tagline, but it’s the difference between love that drains you and love that sustains you.

A personal litmus test

So maybe we’ve been asking the wrong question. Instead of just, “Does he make you laugh?” the real question is:

• Do I feel safe here?
• Do I feel seen and respected?
• Do I trust that my tears won’t be caused by this person?
• And on top of that, do we laugh, play, and actually enjoy each other?

Because joy is the bonus. Safety is the baseline.

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When Tess said, “He doesn’t make me cry,” it sounded flat on the surface. Like she was describing something basic. But maybe that’s the whole point. She wasn’t dazzled, but she was steady. And steady is underrated.

Joy is beautiful, but it’s fragile without safety.

The best relationships are the ones where you can laugh until your sides hurt — but also know that when the laughter fades, you won’t be left in tears.